apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
