So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
farters have to be the big spoon...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize