Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
FUCK WHALES
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
