Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
