I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize