i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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