Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
