Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
