well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
