Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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