o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
