sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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