I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
