i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
