The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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