i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's never too late to be topless.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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