omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
