i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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