She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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