here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
