from now on my penis is your penis
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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