Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
