I just cut my nipple shaving
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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