Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
