So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
