I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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