I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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