You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
foreskin is a definite game changer
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
