We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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