There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
