i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize