there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You need a sexual gate keeper
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
