hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize