3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
