there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
