I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize