Whod you bang
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
