I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
