she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
