He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
