In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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