We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize