You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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