I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
