Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize