just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
