Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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