What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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