Will you blow on my dice?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
