Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
