Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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