I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
