I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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