I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
