i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
