and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
