Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
