I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
