I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I have fence marks all over my body
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize