go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
