Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
