I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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